Discussion of “The Stress of Deprivation in Human Relationships”

It is always a pleasure to read Claude Miller's papers because of his originality and incisiveness. I go along with much of what Dr. Miller has communicated, but not with some points he has made. In general, I will describe aspects of the avoidance of deprivation in love and in the act of love in healthy aggression and anger, and the avoidance of the stress of deprivation in our present society.

First, I want to take issue with the suggestion that jogging is a healthy way of expressing aggression; though jogging may be of some benefit to trained athletes or to individuals who are already engaged regularly in sports activities. Orthopedic surgeon Dr. R. Franklin and plastic surgeon Dr. R. Wilner have stated that for many people, serious jogging may actually injure soft tissues and cause greater sagging of the face and, in women, the breasts than might otherwise occur.

Now I would like to touch on two points: (1) avoiding the stress of deprivation in love relationships, and (2) avoiding the stress of deprivation in the love act itself.

In a relationship with a love partner, if one receives undue criticism and if one has lost the sense of being good and decent, it is time to end the relationship. In neurosis, relationships that are deeply destructive may nevertheless be essential to maintaining the relationship, and abuse, hostility, and exploitation may somehow become substituted for the lure of love. The deprivation caused by coldness and indifference may be experienced as enhancing the attractiveness of the partner. Politeness in sexual activity can be a cover-up for detachment, fear of expressing healthy aggression, and an avoidance of honesty with each other. One rarely associates authentic intimacy with politeness. Two individuals are far more likely to feel gratified if they occasionally clash and reveal themselves and their feelings during the act of lovemaking. Destructive and depriving bed partners are those who do