Love: Addiction or Road to Self-Realization, a Second Look

Addiction is a state of physical dependence on a chemical substance. When the addictive element is not administered, the addict experiences withdrawal symptoms. Addiction implies habit, habituation, and compulsion with a lack of freedom to choose. The addict needs his fix. As I outlined in a previous paper on this topic,1 a person who is an addictive lover can at times experience withdrawal symptoms from his partner very much like the symptoms experienced in withdrawing from drugs-sleepless nights, rapid heartbeat, muscle tightness, and alternating periods of lethargy and frenetic activity.

However, a love relationship does not have to be an addictive one. In a more constructive relationship, one's self-development is not abandoned. According to scientists Michael Liebowitz and Donald Klein, who are studying the chemistry of love at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, love is a chemical reaction. “Love feelings,” they say, “are similar to amphetamine highs, because the loving brain produces its own intoxicating substance, phenylethylamine.” They also suggest that the “spurned brain” goes into a state of drug withdrawal, causing severe craving for chocolate, which contains phenylethylamine.”2

An addictive relationship is the opposite of a self-realizing relationship. In an addictive relationship we are led away from ourselves as a victim or prisoner of our compulsion. In the self-realizing relationship, we are led into ourselves, into constructive self-development. There are several types of love or relationship addiction. I will describe them and define the characteristics which make them compulsive rather than freely chosen.

Cathy met a man for whom she cared more than she had cared for any other in a long time. He was patient with her and responsive to her moods and needs. After 20 days of being almost constantly in this man's presence, she had a desire to be alone. She was distressed by this, saying, “But if I love