The Uncommitted Male and His Female Counterpart

During the past 10 years, the sexual revolution has brought the uncommitted male and his woman counterpart into the sharp focus of psychoanalytic treatment. Now man meets woman and, sooner rather than later, they live together and do not attempt to conceal the fact of their sexual relationship. Marriage may ensue or separation may follow. In the course of this relationship the issue of commitment will arise, with the prospect of the stability of a family unit which often includes children. The man or woman who avoids such gratification undoubtedly anticipates some kind of harm in a relationship of ongoing closeness.

In the course of my clinical work, such a distinct personality type (more often observed in men than in women) has come to my attention: The first few contacts of such a man with the woman who attracts him are not extraordinary. As the relationship deepens, however, specific difficulties arise: He gets increasingly “bored” with her company; he is not getting enough free time; he prefers to spend more time at his apartment than at hers; living together will change the relationship; her hips may seem too big, or she may not be tall enough, etc. He resents her wanting to arrange dates in advance, or he may be annoyed by her desire that he say “I love you”; she makes him feel guilty; he is attracted to other women, and she makes it “difficult” for him to date others; he feels it is too soon to introduce her to his children; etc., etc. Such insatiable, impossible craving for the “perfect” totally nonfrustrating woman is derived from pregenital mother-fixation. He acts out these infantile strivings by choosing women who repeatedly disappoint him.

A distinction must be made between the uncommitted man (woman) described above and the Don Juan type. The Don Juan strains to maintain his self-esteem and to gratify narcissistic needs through his striving for sexual