You do not currently have permission to view the full text for this document. Please sign in to an account with an active subscription or contact support.
In the volume, One To One, by Theodore I. Rubin, M.D., a key question is raised: What do you want in a relationship? This is not an idle question. It lies at the heart of all human dilemma. What starts as a simple, even disarming, question, quickly reveals that just beneath it is a massive set of confusions, hidden agendas, unspeakable demands, and conflicts. These are especially evident to confused partners who are earnestly trying to make a personal relationship into a liveable, loveable, growable one.
Other questions are raised: What has the relationship been like up to now? What do you want it to be like? What are your actual expectations? Rubin tries to help readers dwell with their authentic feelings, which have a history that merges into the present moment like a mountain spring that goes on to join the sea. The author emphasizes that when connection is made with these feelings, a foundation is laid for the building of genuine relationships.
Authentic feelings, upon which all trust is based, are distinguished from concocted emotions, which are a product of one's fantasied hurts, demands, and other narcissistic monuments. There is a vested interest in not questioning the latter, let alone doubting or dispensing with them altogether. Thus, the author invites the reader to experience change, not for its own sake, but as a means to genuine feelings. Only these can promote new growth.
Once the individual is enticed by what he considers the effectiveness of fantasied willful beliefs, a nucleus for the creation of a compulsion is established. The author, working with Karen Horney's theory of neurosis, describes varieties of such compulsions, how they complement or antagonize each other, and how they can apparently coexist as if in tranquil harmony. By these means, patterns of relating between partners are established. Sadomasochistic modes, for example, describe how the hostile or aggressive mode finds its complement in the submissive and passive one, where both person