The “Chemistry” of Personal Attraction

My impetus to explore this topic came out of my struggles to understand the problems that some of my patients were having in finding and sustaining a relationship with a suitable love object. By a suitable love object I do not mean a nice doctor, a successful lawyer, or a beautiful movie star. Rather I refer to a person who embodies some reasonable amount of characteristics necessary to give the relationship a good chance of long-term success. Even with this modest definition of a suitable love object, I never fail to be surprised when I see people fall in love, over and over again, with individuals who possess characteristics that make it difficult, if not impossible, for the relationship to endure.

Sometimes it is a particular characteristic or set of characteristics that ignites the spark of attraction. Other times it is the more subtle and deeply ingrained personality characteristics that exert an irresistible pull. What stands out in all of this is the compulsive, almost uncontrollable, quality of the urges. These people are able to fall in love only with certain types and not with others.

The motivational factors involved in the choice of a lover are highly complex and often unconscious. Further complications include a most remarkable phenomenon, a sort of cultural collusion against trying to understand anything that has to do with love. When I ask patients who have fallen in love to try and understand their motivation, they look at me as if I am not in my right mind. “What do you mean, understand these feelings-I'm passionately in love. All I can do is think about the other person. I constantly long to be with him [or her], and I've never been happier in my life.”

Yet, I have often heard the opposite. People go out on a first date and then tell me, “Well, nothing was working-1 didn't feel anything. There was no chemistry between us.” When I ask what they mean by this, again they are puzzled. It is as if the whole process of choosing a lover involves bumping into