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Twenty-two years ago I met Jack, a young man whose life had been ruined by years of sadistic sexual abuse trauma that began when he was six years old and continued into his late teens. He was twenty-four years old when we first met. It was his first psychotherapy session. I remember the encounter clearly. I was due to see him at the local MIND centre, but when we arrived at the building it was closed so we sat on a wall outside and talked instead. He kept a firm grip on the can of strong lager which he sipped from time to time, as he told me a little about his life.
Knowing that he had taken an enormous step in seeking help I felt it important to establish a connection, and thus began a therapeutic relationship that has continued on and off ever since. I have witnessed the struggles he has had with alcohol and self-harm, the conflicts, tensions and confusions around masculinity, sex, sexuality and romantic relationships, and the fragility of his confidence generally as a young man trying to find his way in the world.
In addition, he has battled with complex PTSD; dissociation, flashbacks, and outbursts of dysregulated anger that alternates with extreme compliance which leaves him vulnerable to exploitation and further abuse.
There is no end to Jack's struggle. No complete resolution of the sexual abuse trauma of those early years. He continues his battle with alcohol addiction and flashbacks along with the guilt and sense of failure as a man who has lost opportunities for loving, close relationships and fatherhood.
His body, as well as his mind, is wracked with pain on a daily basis, and yet he continues on, determined not to allow the abuser who has robbed him of so much in life to destroy him completely. Jack's grip on a sense of masculinity is rigid and at times tenuous, and yet his strength and determination to survive are to my mind equal to that of the idealised male heroes that have bolstered his fragile masculine identity since childhood.
I was holding Jack in mi