Gay Fatherhood—Good Breast? Bad Breast? Same Breast?

The author has chosen to offer a personal perspective on parenthood as a gay man, acknowledging the gift that this has been but also offers frames of reference for which we are invited to examine the constructs of parenthood and gender. We are asked in this article to consider whether indeed the creation of a secure, loving, parental relationship is predicated on gender—is there a maternal head start or indeed is such a construct based on social, political, and economic factors? In his examination of the qualities of caregiving, the author makes inquiries of both psychoanalytic theory and lived LGBTQ+ experience, to test the lived reality of parenthood. Both in the consulting room through case studies and in health services, the author explores the preparation (or lack of preparation or perspective) for parenthood in the more traditional—heterosexual cis-gendered—configurations. He also questions the reality of many experiences of parenthood as less than optimal, impacted by trauma and societal expectation. He suggests that perhaps with time we can liberate women from the idealisation of motherhood and liberate men from only ever being, at best, a deputy to the primary caregiver.