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Pejorative terms, such as self-pity, dependency, manipulation, or exploitation, can be understood as descriptive of the only modes available to an individual who has repeatedly failed to elicit any appropriate responses to needs or wishes that, at the time, are salient to the strengthening of a developing or weakened self.
Self-pity erupts at times of stress. An earlier view assumed that it represented a regressive, defensive reaction associated with a need to confront libidinal or aggressive conflicts aroused by new tasks or wishes. The individual may fear failure and anticipate being undervalued, passed over, or rejected.
In analysis fueled by more traditional theory, the analyst might gently, humorously, or caustically, depending on the phase the analysis had achieved, instruct the analysand “to stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow up.”
The analysand may indeed give up self-pity, both to please the analyst and out of shame at “being found out.” Dependence may become prominent, associated with manipulative or exploitative maneuvers. These traits frequently lead others to avoid individuals burdened in this manner and result in ruptured relationships and isolation. Rather than an opportunity for structure building, failure to achieve an empathic response intensifies the driven quality of self-pity, clinging behavior, and manipulation.
Such self states can now evoke recognition of the following observations. 1) Self-pity is the necessary self-state of an individual who has repeatedly sought and failed to find a response to a given affect need. 2) Dependency may reflect an intense reawakening of a search for an idealized figure on whose wisdom, power, and understanding one can rely for strengthening of a weakened self. 3) Manipulation and exploitation of that figure may be seen as a primitive, awkward attempt