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People feel vital when they can maintain a sense of personal coherence over life's course. The experience of oneself as self continuous over time and situations results from an integration of desire, a presently coherent life story, satisfying relationships with others, and shared expectations within family and community. Being able to tell a coherent life story and to share this story with others greatly contributes to the sense of personal integrity and coherence (Winnicott, 1960). We feel less coherent and whole to the extent we feel forced to dissemble, particularly in important relationships such as those with parents and other family members.
Lichtenstein (1961) points to the cardinal role of sexual desire as a fundamental aspect of this sense of personal integrity in the stories we tell about ourselves. Contested sexual identities, such as being gay or lesbian, pose particular problems for the management of a sense of coherence. Our culture distinguishes between an inner, private self and an “outer,” public self. Discrepancies between these two aspects of onself contribute to shame and lowered self-regard which may be felt as diminished morale or even depletion. Feeling different in an important way and not living up to presumed family and community expectations often leads to problems in managing personal coherence and a resulting need to disavow this difference. Acceptance of alternative forms of desire, first for oneself, and then from family, friends, and the community, can provide a renewed sense of personal integrity. “Coming out,” the process of accepting samegender desire as an aspect of one's identity, telling others, and seeking others' affirmation for this contested sexual identity, often fosters personal coherence.
Many factors enter into awareness of sexual identity (Cohler and GalatzerLevy, 2000). It is clear that our society, with its strong emphasis on heteronormativity, stigmatizes alternative sexual identities, such as that of men who