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It is painful to read about this young man who has not, as yet, begun to live his own life. I also feel for the therapist left with feelings of anger and fatigue. However I think that the therapist's feelings, their affective response, may be the key to
understanding this patient as, unconsciously, Simon attempts to recreate the experience of his earliest relationships.
We quickly learn how Simon's world is one of control rather than one of separation and development. This means, for example, that if Simon's current solution is to control his parents by pretending to be what they want, while at the same time refusing to be what they want— as he may also be doing with his girlfriend, then this frustration will be the fate of his therapist's wishes too.
To release ourselves, and so Simon, from this world of control I think it is important to stop and ask what has made all this necessary? What were the dilemmas in Simon's earliest relationships that have made attempting to retain control appear as the only solution? A solution he still clings to, despite terrifying glimpses of the life that is passing him by.
The analyst Pearl King (1963), saw the roots of the attempt to retain control in the need to survive an unpredictable parental environment. For her, the need to control is the result of a deficit in the environmental minimum necessary to work through separation. Following on from the work of many others in the Independent Tradition she describes this environmental minimum very simply, ‘the experience of being understood loved and fed in a relationship that he can rely on, even when angry, makes it possible for the healthy infant to give up his reliance on and belief in infantile omnipotence (p. 86)‘.
In this material there is much to support the sense that there has been a deficit in the reliable holding environment necessary for integration, separation and the emergence of a secure sense of self. We learn how this young man still clings to his parent's orbit and i