Looking for Merope: Some Ways in Which Experiences of Second Mothers Impact on Couple Relationships

This article explores the impact of past infantile and childhood experiences of second mothers—nannies, au pairs, or other paid or delegated carers—upon adult partner choice and couple functioning. The author considers how difficulties in the way delegated childcare was managed in infancy impacts common couple relational problems, such as breach of trust, difficulty in managing life stage transitions, and intolerance of difference. The author illustrates her thinking through the inclusion of composite case studies from her practice. Parallels are also made with the infantile/childhood experiences of foundational thinkers within the psychoanalytic tradition. The therapist analyses her countertransference, including her own experience of the loss of a second mother. Some implications for current psychoanalytic/psychodynamic work with couples are proposed, such as finding ways to ask about experiences of delegated childcare at intake. A link is made to the Oedipus myth, in which Merope performed the role of second mother, but whose significance has largely been overlooked in the development of theory regarding the Oedipus complex.