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Conjecture must now take the place of facts which I was too inexperienced to observe when they were there to observe. I did not have the ability to recognize that I was in a state of inner turmoil in an external world of emotional upheaval. There were two events which had a powerfully stimulating effect upon me.
The death of Aitches was talked about in our company mess chiefly in terms of incredulity, hatred and contempt. In the course of these talks I heard from older men something of the world from which he came. It was a world of great wealth in which the values I had always taken as established, unalterable, eternal, were regarded as a curious aberration particular to the poor, the vulgar, the contemptible and the weak. Aitches belonged to nothing. I could see he was as much an outsider in his father's world as I would be if I had had to associate with wealthy gaol birds, horse-racing addicts, the questionable type of journalism that thrived on the fringes of blackmail. Of this world I know more now, but only that part of it which strives, usually ineffectually, to escape from the thraldom which is felt but not apprehended. While I felt contempt for Aitches I was never sure that I was not the same kind of coward, separated only by the thinnest of thin partitions.
The second event was that news came through from a prisoner of war telling of the death of Asser. For some reason which was unclear, but I guessed to be the exhaustion of the crew, they were unable to continue fighting and Asser gave orders to evacuate. The enemy surrounded the tank calling on each man to surrender as he came out. They were helpless and put up their hands. Asser did not. To the call to surrender he replied, “I'm damned if I will.” He was apparently still holding his revolver and no enemy could take risks if that was
so. So he was shot and died instantly, being left where he was found later by Cook.
Though this story added nothing to what had already been guessed it was extremely disturb