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The tenth lecture differed in kind from the others. It could for that reason have been omitted, but I thought that, with added comment, some readers might find the account illuminating. The added material is marked with a line in the margin so that the reader can ignore it and gain some idea (in so far as the written word can transmit a live experience) of what an unrehearsed episode can evoke, to what further experience it can become an ‘idea generator’, and how he would deal with the same experience.
At the end I have added a few questions on which the reader can exercise his mind should he so wish.
Patient: I am not satisfied, I don't feel alive – although I pay for the treatment and play my part.
Analyst: You do not pay the price of tolerating the frustration which is part of life.
P: I used to dream that I was not born; the dream has become reality to me. (He blames his mother for having pushed him out. He speaks of a maid he has, who left a convent where she lived. He thinks she did wrong. In the convent everything was solved for them by God.) I had a job for six weeks. Why did I do this work, if I wanted to be dead?
A: You want everything in life without anguish.
P: Who conceived me with so little tolerance? This person must feel guilty.
A: Since you do not accept the blame you cannot feel alive.
P: (speaks of the rage he feels when thinking of the use of a cutting knife. Then starts to talk in a whimpering voice) You can't say that. How could my mother do this; I liked her so much. I'll never be right.
A: You see me as your mother who does everything.