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Preoccupation with raising fees (patients), failure to dose and failure to do so and failure to charge for missed visits by going on holiday out of my term. Fear of open admission of craving for money, anxiety to have it without accepting responsibility, or laying one's self open to the accusation of being mean and greedy; and in short, wanting money but not the price one has to pay for it. I do not want to pay the price. I would like to make plenty, have a
reputation for being ‘unworldly’, generous, altruistic, unlike ‘other men’, and ascetic.
Francesca says she gets pleasure, a sense of well-being, from abstention. I think she is quite right, mentally and physically: I strive and perpetually fail to do what she succeeds in doing. I resent the failure; the exposure of the greed. I rely on her indulgence and indeed claim it as a kind of right – as if I were entitled to nurse a grievance because her sense of reality and my own could not possibly exclude awareness of the truth. Hence the cheat: all the advantages of an intimate life without the cost.