A Fragmented Journey

As a young woman born and raised in a relatively small city in China, Jieyang, I come from a city that has a particular culture (Chaoshan culture) that influences the family structure and the expectations of men and women. The culture here dictates the lives of many, and involves customs such as women staying at home while the men deal with the external affairs1. By doing so, these actions conform to the principle of ‘Ying and Yang’2; where getting married young and having children is the most important thing in a woman's life. I spent my high school and university years outside of Jieyang in another city, so my exposure to these assumptions and expectations were minimal until now. After returning home in 2019, I was now exposed to these customs as a young adult, and it was only a matter of time before my mother began pressuring me to take certain steps in life. With new pressures looming over me in combination with the restrictions of a pandemic, my already turbulent relationship with my mother took a turn for the worst.

The complex relationship between my mother and I is the true subject of my writing. This dissertation is a memoir, a memoir of my relationship with my mother that mostly consists of fragmentary and episodic memories scattered throughout my mind. The memories I have recorded are difficult; they are the experiences that have caused me to wake up screaming in the dark of night, the experiences that have hurt me deeply, and memories that have brought me to my lowest points. By recording them, I hope to understand them better, and by doing so learn to heal and find forgiveness between my mother and I.

David Metzer notes that ‘a fragment appears incomplete, be it a sliver cut off from a larger whole, an unfinished work, or a work that seems insubstantial.’3 This dissertation is but a fragment of my personal experience, a few moments of my life pieced together, and only a part of the whole picture. The stories I tell are drawn from my past which has shaped