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Much has been written regarding the differences between the psychological universes of the paranoid-schizoid and depressive positions for the individual. In this paper, I wish to explore how these differences affect couple relationships, especially when their shared paranoid-schizoid frame of mind is extreme, bordering on psychotic functioning. I wish to give especial attention to how these differences express themselves in the regions of couples' ideals, and the results of the betrayal of those ideals; also, I wish to emphasise how couples' different experiences of the passage of time fundamentally affect their psychological functioning.
Couples in trouble often bring up, in the initial consultation, the centrality of ideals in their view of what should constitute the core of a relationship. They will often say how sad or angry they are that the hopes and ideals they used to cherish at the start of their relationship have by now become so dim, or spoiled, or lacking. Although it may not be conscious, each partner at the start of a relationship tends to hold an ideal, often absolute, of a specifically desired relationship to which he or she feels entitled. When a relationship with a real partner does not meet the requirements of the ideal, typically the partner is blamed for betraying the ideal relationship (an identical version of which he or she is expected automatically to share).
An essential development in couple relationships entails the psychological separation and movement of the partners from a more or less fused conglomerate unit toward a more flexible couple structure, consisting of two separate partners who can move in and out of combined and individual psychological functioning. The less this development can occur, the more the couple will remain in the orbit of narcissistic, paranoid-schizoid functioning, in which the reality and the consequences of the difference and separateness of the partners will not be tolerated. A defensive clinging to the i