The Subjectivity of the Mother in the Mother-Son Relationship. Attachment, Separation, and Autonomy

Margaret Mahler and John Bowlby's positions are crucial in understanding the tensions that can arise in mother-son relationships. A more recent development of a systems view illuminates the co-construction of this relationship that occurs mainly out of awareness. A systems model of development that describes the co-construction and bi-directional influence between mothers and sons will be used in this paper. The often-neglected subjectivity of the mother is the focus, and the relationship between the mother and her adult son is viewed as a process whereby all participants strive to achieve a balance among attachment, separation, and autonomy. In addition, the contributions of the mother and the impact on her of the son's difficulties in attachment, separation, and autonomy are highlighted. In a case illustration, the subjectivity of the mother in relation to her son is explicated, showing how the son distances himself from his mother and why themother is at a loss to understand how and why this has occurred. The mother's perspective was dominated by anger and disappointment toward her son as well as by self-blame and self-justification. As a result of psychotherapy, the mother was enabled to come to terms with the estrangement of her son.