On Love and Hate1

If one has to ask the reader to re-examine some old, very familiar concepts, it is advisable to quote as an illustration a quite simple example. So I wish to begin with one which is an almost commonplace event in psycho-analytic practice. A patient of mine, a woman in her middle forties, recently bought a house, the first settled home in her much unsettled life. Of course, it was a great event; the house had to be altered, furnished and made just as she wanted it to be. I will not dwell on its obvious significance as a symbol of herself and behind that, of her mother. Anyhow it was a great thrill. Then she heard that a couple intended to visit her and to stay in the new house for about a fortnight. They were old, well-proved friends, and she was delighted that they were coming. They arrived, the house got ready just in time, and it was a great happiness. She could not repeat often enough how nice it was to have people one really loved as the first guests in a new house.

To our great surprise, within a few days, gradually, almost imperceptibly, feelings of irritation, tension, and uneasiness arose in her. The irritation increased till it amounted to a fairly severe anxiety state which, however, could be kept under control, though only with some difficulty. Gradually she became impatient: for heaven's sake, if only the people would leave! At this point some analysis became possible and we discovered behind the impatience and anxiety a bitter hatred against her 'friends'. As a result of this piece of analysis the anxiety subsided; the friends eventually departed, but the hatred against them remained practically unaltered.

Now this pattern was already well known to both of us. Anybody approaching her in friendship is equipped willy-nilly with 'angel wings' which (subjectively) means a blissful expectation that now she will really be loved, and she will be able to love safely. In this incident we discovered once again that it is impossible for anyone to li