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The “core” conflict presented in this book is the one between being and loving. Dr. Horner uses these terms in particular ways. “Being” refers to a sense that “I am. I exist. I go on” as a “separate, real, and whole human being.” This kind of person accepts and integrates the many diverse qualities of any real person. “Loving” refers, not only to a good feeling, but also, to an emotional attachment to another human being based, not only on dependency needs, but also on valuing and cherishing another as the real person she or he is.
When faced with the question, “How can I achieve love and intimacy with another person without losing my own sense of self, my own identity and independence?” Dr. Horner became aware of the fact that most people attempt to resolve the conflict by sacrificing one to safeguard the other.” The cost of these pseudosolutions is anxiety, loneliness, depression, unremitting rage, or all of the above. The exclusive emphasis of “the cult of the self,” “the looking out for number one,” “doing one's own thing,” exclusively often implies rejection of “conscience and concern for others,” and implies that the other person does not count. Dr. Horner has become aware that genuine intimacy and commitment has become mistakenly equated with dependency. Belongings and rootedness appear more of a trap than a promise. Shallow living and acting out pseudo-intimacy cannot be sustained. When “the game is over” the sense of loneliness, loss, and isolation come back with all of their painful intensity.
Drawing on her own personal and professional experiences, as well as the findings of many child development researchers and clinicians, she postulates that the “becoming one” stage that is the basis for love, starts with the primary attachment bond or special relationship of the mothering one and the child. This is followed by the “becoming two” stage with the recognition through maturation that the mother and child are separate units. This may in some children eventua