Frontline: Is There Life After Psychoanalysis? On Retirement From Clinical Practice

I have walked though many lives,

some of them my own,

and I am not who I was,

though some principle of being

abides, from which I struggle

not to stray …

As I look back over my 76 years, I see that I have lived several lifetimes, each with its own primary concerns, responsibilities, goals, and achievements. The life of wife and mother eventually was replaced by the life of a clinical psychologist. As I moved into my 50s my writing took on a central focus in that life, along with my clinical work and teaching. I had little time for reading for fun, for leisurely hanging out. My creative juices were running high. As I approached 70, I noticed changes that led to my thinking about retirement, about my next lifetime. Some of these changes reflected the aging process itself. I was tired of the intensity, of the demands of time and the demands of patience and self-discipline required of the psychotherapist. I wanted the freedom to kid around, to be irreverent, to indulge in expression of my opinions. In addition, five years ago a health crisis confronted me with the question of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. What was untried or unfinished? “You don't have forever. If there is something important to do, do it now!”

I am not afraid of dying. I just hate the fact that I won't be around to see how everything turns out! The greatest distress for me is that I know my death will cause my family pain and that I will not be around to help my children or grandchildren should they need me. I am comforted by the awareness of their cohesion as a group. We all joke about coming under the protection of the Horner hairy armpit. I have never been in denial about my mortality, especially since I was knocked down by a car when I was crossing the street in the crosswalk in Great Barrington, Massachusetts twenty years ago. (In this connection, see David Forrest's “Mortal Phase of Late Life” in this issue.)

I believe we look at death much as we look at life. Those who are