This paper looks at how the capacity for separateness arises, and some of the ways in which gender is thought about in relation to this. A link is made with technical considerations about the stance we as therapists take with our patients. In particular, therapists often choose or are prodded into a role that is more empathic or more interpretative, and these stances have often been described as either more maternal or more paternal. Some case material goes on to connect this with more recent understandings of infant mental and emotional development. It is suggested that recent child development research might point us towards a more ‘integrated’ stance, in which these maternal and paternal roles are not seen as so polarized.