The Erotics of Blame

On the surface blame would seem to be a most unerotic phenomenon. When someone blames us we feel repelled, turned off, defensive, guilty, diminished, upset, or angry. The bitter accusations of the offended are more likely to inhibit the erotic spirit than to kindle it. Acrimony tends to elicit more of itself from those towards whom it is directed. The blamed take offence at being blamed and righteously declare their innocence. Alternatively, they may take cover behind defences such as rationalization or denial. Reactions of this kind are instinctual. The shrill voice of accusation and complaint immediately triggers the fight or flight reaction in the animal that we also are. The hands and feet become cold as the retreating blood re-groups in the vital organs. The genitals shrivel up, prepared for battle, not love. The heart beats faster out of fright, not from affection. Clearly, the voice of blame does not sing a mating song.

When one examines the content of an accusation one discovers, as often as not, that it is composed of the projections of the person making it. The fault which a complainant finds with others is often a function of the complainant's own faulty assumptions about his or her relationship with the alleged offender. Upon hearing the charges with which they are assailed, the blamed may feel genuinely incredulous. ‘Who does she think she is?’ ‘What does he take me for?’

The more haughty an accusation the more likely it is to be based upon a misperception of the person whose failings it claims to know so well. Blame, after all, is not empathy. The accuser does not attempt to see things from the other's point of view. On the contrary, the blameful spirit denies the existence of a multiplicity of perspectives. From the lofty height of Blame's judgemental vantage point, life is imagined in terms of black or white, right or wrong, guilty or not guilty. Anything at odds with the complainant's offended perspective ignites a narcissistic rage. No