This paper explores the fear of love and relationship which develops when a child has experienced parents who cannot tolerate emotional separation and so attempt to retain perfect contingency with their infant, long after the infant needs to begin to separate and individuate. The child is a ‘self-object’ for the parents, who depend on the responses of others, including their own child, to maintain a sense of their own identity. The impact of this demand for ‘reverse parenting’ on the child's development is explored and clinical work with an adult patient whose history reflects this process is described.