In Search of the Self à Deux: The Narcissistic Collusion and Impeded Individuation

This paper examines the question of why the pattern of narcissistic object-relating (collusion) develops early in life and how it may impact the lifelong process of individuation. Narcissistic adult couple relationships are one of the arenas in which unresolved aspects of the past, alive in the present, are unconsciously brought and endlessly repeated with intensity. Adult relationships are often formed in the hope that both partners will wipe out their old wounds. However, despite apparent differences in overt social functioning, people unconsciously tend to select partners who are at the same basic level of personality differentiation, but who have opposite patterns of defensive organization. Primitive defences and projections, which are played out by the narcissistic couple, become a substitute for true identity. They can rigidify or disrupt the ego-Self axis rendering it inflexible. These dynamics inhibit the ability of the ego to gain access to the unconscious, and the Self to get access to the ego, disrupting the possibility of emergence of a dialogical relationship. This process creates obstacles to growth and individuation, which leads this author to suggest the notion of ‘impeded individuation’ in narcissism.