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Horner describes “being and loving” as an ebb and flow of mutuality in which each person is aware of self and at the same time sensitive to the self of the other. She traces the ability to relate in this way to the foundations laid down in the first three years of life, noting that difficulties in so doing result from derivatives of early conflicts or developmental dilemmas surfacing later in life when the individual attempts to establish an intimate adult relationship. She suggests that the basis of the capacity to love lies in the emotional connection with the mother, who must care for and respond to the child in such a way as to facilitate the establishment of a firm bond of attachment. Without adequate early attachment, healthy separation and individuation cannot take place. Horner argues that most conflicts within relationships result from a fear of loss of self, which she relates to the mother's failure to promote healthy individuation. A person who has been able to attain healthy individuation has the foundation for later security the belief that “I can be myself without losing love.”
Horner fleshes out her theory with clinical examples. She describes how a young boy struggling to attain selfhood and manhood may be thwarted by his mother's interfering with his wish to be separate. His capacity to love women may be damaged by his defensive denial of his need and love for her. Similarly, the girl who attempts to achieve autonomy may be interfered with by a mother who wishes to keep her daughter close to her. As there is less of a cultural demand on girls to become autonomous, the daughter who is discouraged from individuating may stay closer to her mother longer than a son who is treated similarly. Children caught in this bind may come to believe that they have to give up being an individual to keep their mother's love. When, as adults, they shut themselves off from feelings of love and warmth to protect the integrity of the self, they ultimately come to feel de