Chapter 5 Letting Fathers In

Winnicott reminded us that there is no baby without a mother (Winnicott, 1958). He also said that usually “it depends on what mother does about it whether father does or does not get to know his baby” (Winnicott, 1957, p. 81). I would add: and how much and in what way the baby does or does not get to know its father. In this chapter I discuss some of the difficulties women may have in promoting their baby's relationship with the father and those that men may have in taking on the role of an involved father. In order to think about these difficulties it becomes apparent that we need to know what fathers are for. I suggest that the presence of a sexual father and mother couple, in each of the couple's minds, determines both the extent to which a woman will welcome her sexual partner into the relationship she has with their infant, and whether or not he will be able to become involved. This configuration, in each of the partners’ minds, will affect whether or not their child can have in its mind a linked mother and father. It also lays the ground for the development in the child of a certain creative kind of mind and the capacity as an adult and parent to welcome a sexual and potent father.

There is considerable variety, both historically and culturally, in fathers’ involvement with their children. In recent years in the Western world the role of fathers in the family has been changing significantly. In the modern, Western, nuclear family, mothers and fathers spend much more time together than they did in the past and their roles are much less differentiated. Women no longer need to rely entirely on their husbands for material support or for obtaining power and status. Likewise, men now have social permission to be actively involved in parenting, and increasingly want to be given greater access to their children. Fathers are encouraged to attend antenatal classes, to be present at the delivery, help with childcare. However, along with this lessening of paren