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An adult female patient recently asked me, “Are fathers absolutely necessary?” It was asked in a tone like that of a small child saying “Do I have to?” Her question was motivated by her belief that there was no such thing as a good father. As such, she had major difficulties in conceiving of a good internal parental relationship which could form the basis for introjective identification with a creative combined object which affected her ability to engage successfully in intimate adult sexual relationships.
Becoming a father, in this sense, for the child, the mother and for the couple is a complex continual process through the developmental cycle, and necessarily a conflictual one, as it necessitates the development for the man of new facets to his personality, functioning and life, as well as the reawakening of conscious and unconscious infantile phantasies and conflicts from his past. No real development takes place without pain, and the ability to tolerate this pain depends on the capacity of the person to contain and modulate it with the help of an internalised container/contained system.
In this chapter, I hope to illustrate some aspects of the developmental process which can either promote or hinder the man becoming the kind of father who is necessary for the baby, and for the family's growth and security. Donald Meltzer writes:
The father's functions are generally those of supply and protection to the mother-child relationship… The parents are seen in the role mainly of providing a protected space where the child may have the kinds of experiences of intimate emotional relationships upon which the evolution of the personality depends… The concept of husband (partner) as provident manager of the overall space of the family in the community, would seem in keeping with psychic reality.
From the point of view of the psychic reality of the baby, in a prototypical situation, the mother is filled with projections and evacuations from the baby during t