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I was boarding a shuttle from New York to Boston. Three rows in front of me, a mother seemed to be in some sort of struggle with her four-or five-year-old son. “You've hurt me!” the boy exclaimed. The mother responded with a comment. “You've hurt me!” the boy insisted. More talking followed. “You've hurt me,” the boy kept complaining. Eventually, the mother grew silent. “You've hurt me” the boy reiterated throughout the flight in what seemed to become an increasingly demanding tone—pausing at times, but continuing to repeat the words until we arrived in Boston an hour later. “You've hurt me!”
This interaction reminded me of patients who do just what the little boy did: they blame us and cannot stop blaming us for having hurt them. In order to outline the general dynamics I am referring to, let me sketch a typical situation with my patient Peter, who in his mid-thirties is married, has five-year-old twins, and is a hardworking lawyer in a successful practice. Peter came to treatment depressed and angry because, despite all his efforts and care for everybody, he continuously feels treated unfairly and unappreciatively by his wife, his clients, and even his two little sons. The very fact that he was recommended for analysis made him feel hurt.