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The commentary draws out some of the implications of Dr Grand's paper, Combat Speaks: The Gendering of War and War Resistance, focusing specifically on that aspect of gender identity formation that blocks our capacities to discover the way we are mutually implicated in each other's lives and losses. The suggestions in Dr Grand's work about diagnosis and about what it means to be psychoanalytically empathic are elaborated. The paper also relates Dr Grand's comments on different modes of vision to feminist film discussions of the 1970s and 1980s.