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In this paper, I share my personal experience of how the therapist’s state affects therapeutic relationships during the catastrophic disruption of life ties caused by the war and their partial restoration.
As a psychoanalytically oriented therapist working with adults, and as a mother of two daughters and grandmother of three grandchildren, the war has profoundly shaped my professional and personal worlds.
My first scheduled session after the invasion was with a young woman living in another country, who struggled deeply with feelings of helplessness. On that day, I felt I needed to remain a stable and good object for her, despite my own shaken reality.
The night before, explosions shook my home at 4 a.m., reducing the protective walls of my apartment to mere cardboard in my mind. Contemplating my options, I realized that survival would mean leaving everything behind – memories, beloved objects, and comfort. I gathered essential items, including my phone, computer, and three children’s books I had planned to give my grandchildren and left to find shelter with relatives.
The next day, I returned home, feeling like a stranger. I opened my laptop and sat in the familiar chair where I always worked, trying to pretend nothing had changed. Yet, my unease lingered. I messaged my client, letting her know I was ready for the session and acknowledging that I had been running late due to interference. Her response was immediate: “I won’t be there. I already have other plans. You didn’t warn me.”
The pain of this exchange was unbearable, plunging me into a void of emptiness and loneliness. Over time, I was able to process my feelings of betrayal, helplessness, and despair.
What saved me from complete disconnection was the formation of new ties. Returning to my relative’s home, I found myself in a lively, nurturing environment filled with conversation, shared meals, and laughter. This vibrant atmosphere provided me with relief.
Soon, psychological support groups emerged, offering an ex