Grief and Loss, Hopes and Desires

Immediately after the inauguration, a deluge of NYT alerts begins to disrupt my sessions. I can’t seem to silence the beeps, alarms, and dings coming from all my electronic devices. Not only are my “contained” sessions interrupted, but my “grounded” and focused state has been upended as well. What’s the point of titrating the amount of news coverage I consume, if I’m reminded of Trumps’ executive orders every 10 minutes! There is a bigger concern, or disruption to my peace bubble—my patients, who embody most of the marginalized identities that are and will be harmfully impacted and under attack: Black, POC, LGBTQIA+. Many of these folx have dedicated their lives to DEI work (before it was called DEI) and are frantically trying to save their programs; many are in fear of losing their jobs. Patients with trans children are both angry and afraid of recent orders to reverse or un-trans (a pairing of undue and transition), via executive orders, to reject their child’s gender status and revert it to the assigned gender at birth. In one session a patient in despair and hopelessness said, “Trump can do whatever the fuck he wants because we no longer have checks and balances. What does this mean for my black trans child when his gender identity goes unrecognized by government? Canada looks really good right now!” Every fiber in my being wants to say, “That’s not true, there will be someone or something to “check and balance” what seems to be this administration’s mission to turn back the hands of time, but I no longer know anymore and ask myself did/do I ever really know. In 5 years, there have been so many unprecedented and surprising events, I can no longer feel a sense of safety or security in what I often believed was knowable and/or predictable. I can’t think about it. I can’t think.

I do know, I’ve been here before. During the height of Covid and the murder of George Floyd, I presented and wrote about (Griffin, in press) how dysregulated I felt, and how it seemed to con