Inside Adoption

ELEANOR: I can start. I'm Ellie Schuker, I'm a psychoanalyst and a Columbia University training analyst and an MD. My husband's a psychologist-analyst, and our becoming an adoptive family has been really a wonderful experience for us; we feel extremely lucky to have had this opportunity. Our daughter is now 23; she's about to go to graduate school in what we joke is “the family business.” She's a wonderful kid, a delightful person. She has always been calm, easy, has good self-esteem; she's even-tempered. She can be outspoken and can criticize her parents. She's excellent in social relations. She has a long-term boyfriend and has good friends. And it's been wonderful. We've been very, very lucky. I'll tell you a little about the sources of our good luck, because I think that may be relevant. Viola Bernard, a Columbia analyst who worked in the adoption field years ago, said to us when we consulted her at a couple of points early in our process, “Adoption is not a problem; it is a solution.” I think that's to be remembered, because I think she was right. It's been a joyous experience for us. And our daughter, who gave permission for me to talk freely today, says adoption is part of who she is, but it's not a central part. For me, being her mother has been an opportunity to parent differently from the way I was parented, and to help my growing child feel safe, secure, in touch with her own feelings and perceptions. It's been a wonderful thing for my husband and me to have happen in life.

I can comment on a number of things based on my own experience. One issue is the importance of mourning prior to adopting, mourning one's losses. Another is the experience of getting to know the birthmother and really bonding with her, which led to my own “nesting” feelings before the baby was born. In a sense, I felt comfortable with who the baby would be and where she came from. Another thing I'm sure we'll all talk about is the issue of telling: How do you tell? What do you tell? W