This paper is an experiential piece that invites the reader into a parallel process that mirrors the psychoanalyst’s experience in the treatment. It captures the disorientation of encountering a patient who was not there and from within this void, stumbling upon a secret of sexual abuse of which she was not consciously aware. It explores an intense struggle to hold the secret while oscillating through the patient’s split-off parts and dissociated self-states: victim, perpetrator, bystander. I grapple with the weight of being implicated in the enacted dimension, embodying multiple roles in an effort to contain this transgression. The paper illustrates one way we use ourselves to reach our patients, especially those who have endured early catastrophic trauma and carry unthinkable and unknowable experiences. It also captures the confounding nature of this work when carried out with a patient whose inner world is permeated by psychic deadness. I explore how I came to find my patient by entering her inner world as communicated to me through my internal experience.