Gender Configurations: Relational Patterns in Heterosexual, Lesbian, and Gay Male Couples

This paper focuses on issues of separation-individuation in adult love relationships. It is the thesis of the paper that preoedipal gender differences in ego development do exist and that they are linked to gender-related differences in adult couple dynamics. Further, in considering lesbian and gay male as well as heterosexual couples, it is argued that couple dynamics can take on a different character depending on the gender configuration of the partners. Thus, gender more than sexual orientation may determine relational patterning. An aspect of the female style is a tendency to merge or to dissolve boundaries of the self in relationships. In contrast, men are likely to be more defended against such boundary dissolution. These differences can be seen to influence personality and relational style throughout life and to account for differences in feminine and masculine modes of relating in adult relationships. My discussion of relational patterns in heterosexual, lesbian, and gay male couples focuses heavily on the gender make-up of the couple.

Object-relations theory has directed our attention to the preoedipal, dyadic relationship between mother and child. Mahler (Mahler, Pine, & Bergman, 1975) perceived the process of separation-individuation in relation to the mother as the foundation in the psyche for all later relationships. The degree of separateness of the ego and the nature of ego boundaries are determined by the particular course that separation-individuation takes for the growing toddler. The manner in which one negotiates this process affects the personality throughout life, particularly in object relationships. As an adult, a major love relationship restimulates sepa-ration-individuation