Dreams

December 3. 1951. After sending my note to Dr. C. I walk back home from the 23d street post office. I feel exhausted but well I enjoy breathing the cold air deeply and am proud to be “healthy” I walk slowly and carefully and I observe the traffic and the faces of people. I notice that no one pays the least attention to me and I feel at ease and content.

when I get home I avoid R. go to the back and put away things in the kitchen after eating my dinner alligator pear, Leek soup and apple sauce that is still hot. As I go to the front I am suddenly aware of a kind of fear. It is a common thing in France (in my youth).

Children are afraid, should not be afraid, Pierre is afraid, Paul is not afraid. Turenne was afraid but he said. “Carcass, you tremble but you will tremble much more if you knew where I will lead you. Turenne has overcome his fear. It is a historical fact, That kind of fear makes you put your head under the covers, makes you run or shiver or walk very loud from the station to the house, it is accepted, mentioned. most of the time, it is defeated. I used to be very fearful but my father “taught” me. During the summer we had dinner in the garden and the dark would come before we were through. We talked without seeing each other Then one day he said “I am going to teach you and your brother not to be afraid; you go to the house and bring me some thing I do not remember what.” Challenged I braced myself and started through the blackness the sky could not even be seen because the trees met over the lane.

THat fear has come back, I cannot go on. I cannot read what I have written. My back hurt and so does the back of my legs as if I had walked 10 miles. am going to bed at least Robert is there.