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Our ten-year-old son had a graduation ceremony from primary school. My husband, our four-month-old baby daughter, and I came to school to support him during this event. Suddenly, at the beginning of the ceremony, the Russian anthem was played. (This was a surprising new initiative, implemented in all Russian schools by our government. During my school days, we never had to listen to the anthem being played on the school grounds.) While I was surprised and annoyed by this, I saw how my son tried to sing it well, how focused and sincere he was. It was clear that he had the ideal picture of our country in his head. The country he dreams of being a part of is kind and noble, driven by justice and dignity, where people live in peace and travel the world. Tears welled up in my eyes. Feelings were raging inside me. I love my son very much and I love my country, but to my regret, this ideal country has never existed. On the contrary, the worst oppressive practices of the Soviet Union started to mutate in an ugly way in nowadays Russia.
During my life, I worked hard and have done a lot to move from a small town to Moscow, where, to my knowledge, people were more open to hearing the truth about themselves and their selfhood. For the same reason, I did seven years of analysis with an exceptional IPA-accredited psychoanalytic who affected my way of thinking. I've studied for many years, first in medical school, then to earn a psychiatric and psychology license, building my career as a psychoanalyst, creating a place where my patients and I can have freedom of thought and opinions, a place for free associations. And I identified myself with this freedom.
Nowadays, I am acutely aware of the power of the transgenerational trauma that has come to life in new circumstances. I feel like it's getting scary to speak openly. This is what was passed down to me from my ancestors from the USSR, what the people already lived during the oppressive Stalin years. I
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