Emotional Resilience in the Time of War

You have to hold yourself in your hands—a literal translation of a saying we have that means something along the lines of “get ahold of yourself.” In the days since February 24, I have spoken to my cousin Oksana frequently. She lives in Odesa, our home city in Ukraine. What echoes for me from our conversations is her use of metaphor—feeling “unglued,” feeling afraid but still trying to “think with a cold head.” It sounds like bitter poetry.

She has decided to stay, at least for now. She goes to work, though the nature of her job has shifted away from floral arrangements to food distribution. I bear witness as she goes through the process of adjusting to her new reality. From my more distant vantage point, I too reckon with how to live through this collective trauma without falling apart or losing my mind, even as the effects are more vicarious for me as a Ukrainian immigrant and US citizen. As a psychotherapist, I feel a particular sense of responsibility to stay grounded while I continue to work and hold space for others.

How are you doing?

The question I seem to get way too often these days. How am I doing? I alternate from hopelessness, pride, and reassurance (or is that denial?), to feeling numb. I successfully get distracted and then I remember. Then comes the guilt for getting distracted. Then comes reminding myself that this guilt does not serve me or anyone else. I am processing, processing. I try to hold some of the good things in my life, because yes, there are some very good things, along with the full truth of what is happening, and I quickly run out of room. It is all spilling over, and I, too, start to feel unglued.

You have to hold yourself in your hands.

How are you even working right now?

My patient asks me this. It's a fair question. As I mentioned in an earlier piece1, my work has been a welcome respite, grounding me, bringing my focus off the news and out of my head and onto the experiences of others and the relationships between my patients and