Investigations: A Short Story

The mayor called for an investigation into the amount of horseshit that's been accumulating on Central Park West as of late. ‘It's a veritable dumping ground,’ one disgusted resident said.

‘It's a lot of shit,’ the mayor was quoted as saying. ‘I meant caca or crap. You know what I meant,’ he added.

Anyway the mayor said they'd be starting a proper investigation. The right agency or investigative body would be called upon to proceed. In this case, the Department of Sanitation, but there were suggestions of a new agency potentially being formed. Code name: the Shit Squad.

Another Boeing 777 has disappeared without a trace into the vast recesses of the overlap between the Indian and Pacific Oceans. The missing airplane is the same make and model as Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which disappeared en route to Beijing in March of 2014. An investigation into that prior plane disappearance bore no definitive fruit, and investigators are worried that the similar trajectory of the current missing flight may be doomed to the same void of information. They are, however, trying to stay optimistic. Eerily though, 228 people, including both passengers and crew—the exact number as the ill-fated Malaysian flight—are now missing and presumed dead.

The expiration dates on Puffy Pop popcorn are being investigated for possible forgery or inaccuracy. Over the past several months, too many Puffy Pop foil hats haven't inflated fully, and many of the brown kernels within have not exploded open. ‘The evidence is that these expiration dates are incorrect or the corn's just no good. There could also be a manufacturing error exacerbating this,’ a spokesperson said.

The focus, however, will be on the stamped expiration dates themselves, as they're purplish, not the standard black, and are dubiously printed in Roman numerals. An investigation into a neighborhood ‘poet’ may be imminent and possibly already underway. There is a middle-aged man who shows up regularly at neighborhood hotspots and sits a