Parenting Lessons from Mad Men's Betty Draper Frances

Who knows better than a psychoanalyst that infants and children need love, consistency, and containment if they are to thrive? Whatever our personal theoretical bent (“good enough” parents, attunement in the infant-parent dyad, a steady holding environment, or mirroring with the proper intersection of empathy and limit setting, to toss out a few well known concepts), most of us emphasize the critical importance of the early “maternal” environment.

Outside of our field the debate about the best way to parent is eternal. Recent books in the popular literature have introduced us to maternal archetypes as varied as Amy Chua's uncompromising Tiger Mom and Paula Druckerman's balanced and at ease French mother of “bebe.” And those who watch the television show Mad Men would not be surprised to know there is yet another incarnation; one long familiar to psychoanalysts: the Wire Mommy.

In a new book, Mad Men on the Couch (St. Martin's Press), I have tried to show that the fictional characters of this popular television show about life in the 1960s advertising world can be examined and better understood when viewed through the lens of analytic psychology. The book is written for anyone who enjoys dissecting the show—professional clinician or armchair psychologist.

One of Mad Men's most psychologically complex characters is Betty Draper Frances, ex-wife of Don Draper, unhappy housewife, and mother of three. Betty is a maternal train wreck. During the early seasons she is portrayed as an extremely cold and neglectful mother. She allows her daughter, Sally, to run around the house, head and body fully submerged beneath a plastic dry cleaner's bag. She smacks her daughter and snaps at her son, “Go bang your head against the wall.” Though Betty's misattuned and cruel antics are painful to watch, many of us cannot stop craning our necks to view the Drapers' twisted emotional wreckage. Even Joan Crawford's infamous rant (“NOOO WIRE HANGERS!”) appears tame in comparison to Betty's harsh invective.

Although we know Betty to be a fictional character, failures in maternal empathy are an all too common occurrence in real life. Harry Harlow, a prominent psychologist/researcher of the Mad Men era, explored the components of maternal love by looking at the effect of deprivation on rhesus monkeys (chosen because they are known to display similar emotions to people). In a famous

experiment, Harlow separated infant monkeys from their mothers, placing them in two distinct groups: some fed by “mothers” covered in soft cloth, others by “mothers” made of wire. All of Harlow's monkeys ate and grew. But regardless of whether they had been fed by a cloth or wire mother, all chose to cuddle with the cloth ones. And those raised by wire mothers had difficulties in their interactions with peers and could not soothe themselves in scary situations.

Harlow's films are painful to watch. Generalizing to human beings, he concluded that loving physical interactions were necessary in the earliest months of life, and that without proper emotional engagement, babies—monkey and human—would forever be impaired; solid early attachments and responsive caregivers were necessary in order for individuals to thrive as healthy adults. Harlow also found that monkeys who were emotionally neglected as infants could not adequately nurture when they became parents. At least one adult who had been raised by a wire mommy bit off many of the fingers and toes of her own infant when they were left alone together.

Mad Men's Betty Draper Frances represents our fantasies of a wire mother. She is unable to provide the emotional support and loving interactions her children desperately need. She rarely displays empathy for Sally, Bobby, or Gene, and is usually intolerant and critical of their feelings. Betty routinely strikes her kids instead of verbally engaging them, spends little time parenting, and leaves most of the caregiving to her maid, Carla.

She seems to derive no pleasure from interacting with her children, or from seeing them grow and develop. In fact, she mostly just wants the young Drapers to go to their rooms. While we did not see Betty parent Sally and Bobby in infancy and toddlerhood, it also appears that she does not spend much time with Gene. And we can surmise from her critical and apparently unfeeling interactions with her older children that she was not a terribly responsive caregiver who could easily tune in to her babies' emotional needs.

Seeing Betty's cold and critical behaviors, it becomes apparent that she did not receive adequate nurturing as a child, and that this early neglect has left her emotionally unavailable, and greatly limited in her ability to comfort and nurture her kids. And in fact, we know Betty's mother was prone to hit and criticize her. She had years before given up a coveted job as a drafting engineer. Perhaps she resented her daughter? The Drapers' preadolescent Sally has certainly suffered—she is given to emotional outbursts, to running away from home, and once even masturbates at a sleepover with friends.

Eventually Betty is concerned enough to follow her second husband's advice and sign Sally on for treatment with a child analyst. This treatment is depicted in a positive way during the show's fourth season. Sally is making strides and moving forward; she appears to have attained a more age appropriate level of development, and to have overcome as best as anyone can, her early years with a wire mommy.

As analysts we know that the emotional connection between mother and child is crucial. But what goes on emotionally among parents, children, and caregivers in the earliest months and years needs to be part of the public's ongoing discussion—not just a cornerstone of our professional discourse.