Consolidating Psychoanalytic Identity

Certainly none of us entered analytic training for the easy road. I decided to become a psychoanalyst after 15 years in private practice and five years after completing New Orleans–Birmingham Psychoanalytic Center's (NOBPC) two-year Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Program. I wanted to deepen my understanding of my patients and myself. Entering training and becoming a psychoanalyst has been part of my journey, not its end, and the same holds true in pursuing certification.

During the Candidates' Council meeting at my first APsaA meeting, I heard Paul Hollinger speak about certification. He described it as an extension of the learning process, a milestone, and presented the Certification Examination Committee as a supportive ally, a dramatic contrast to the fearsome group so many cautionary tales had introduced. Maybe things had changed, I thought, so I decided to pursue certification. I viewed the CEC as wanting us to succeed in this demanding and worthwhile pursuit, and I valued the opportunity for some national review of my work. NOBPC agreed to participate in the Pre-Graduation Certification Program, and since I had passed Mid-Phase Colloquium, I immediately applied.

The climate of certification darkened in the years following my first meeting, and strong public opinions often described certification as an unfair, unnecessary and flawed review of an analyst's abilities. I realize now that there had been a traumatic legacy, and these narratives were not new. For many, the certification process had delivered a blow,

leaving unhealed wounds. Despite all this, I wanted the opportunity to consolidate my own thinking, face my fears, and access a blind national review of my work, especially because I was one of only two candidates in a small psychoanalytic center. I wanted as close to impartial evaluation as I could get.

I met with one of our senior analysts, a former CEC member. I arrived confident about my analytic work and skills. I struggled to be concise. He cut me off mid-sentence many times, redirecting my disjointed attempts to tell a cohesive story of the analysis. This interaction definitely fanned fears of any certification interview ahead, but he agreed to be a reader for my certification reports. I spent countless hours over many weeks editing and submitted the final draft to him. He left a voice mail conveying my efforts had missed the mark, having focused too much on the patient rather than on my role as analyst. My disappointment after so much hard work interrupted my progress in the certification process.

In my fifth year of training, I took an elective writing class on the mechanics of writing up a case, an adjunct to the case write-up workshops I had attended at several APsaA meetings. As I prepared my reports, reviewing the work as a whole and writing, editing, and consulting, I discovered and rediscovered important elements of the analyses. I was finally able to tell the story of the analysis, the story of me as an analyst and of my patients' analytic journeys. I re-applied for the first phase of pre-graduation certification and sent in my reports to be reviewed by the CEC.

I accepted the offer to speak to a mentor who formerly served on the CEC. I wasn't sure how I would make use of her as a resource, but my fear was growing as the interview date approached, and I needed all the help I could get. I chose to participate in the optional first phase interview for experience since the second phase requires it. I had learned from CEC workshops at the national meetings that the optional interview offers the reviewers opportunity for clarification, and without it, they might otherwise request resubmission.

I spoke to my mentor only once. I told her I felt confident about my writing and my analytic work, but felt increasing worry about the interview. She asked me, “What's the worst thing that could happen?” I said, “I won't pass.” She said, “Well, you'll try again. I didn't pass the first time, and I made it.” These words helped reassure me. I requested additional consultation as I prepared the materials for the interview. By the time I interviewed in New York, I was as prepared as I could be. Staying calm was my primary hurdle.

Harvey Schwartz, CEC chair, greeted me in the hall outside the interview room with a warm smile, a firm handshake, and a word of encouragement. The interview hour passed quickly. The quick break in the middle gave me time to reflect, but overall I thought it was going well. The two interviewers felt like colleagues, respectful and curious. I answered the questions the CEC as a whole had prepared from their review of my write-ups. I presented process notes, and we discussed my impressions and considered other perspectives. We did not seem to need to agree on everything.

I received a call two days later on the Tuesday night of the 2013 New York meeting as I prepared to walk into the Finance Committee meeting as Candidates' Council treasurer I was informed that I had passed. Dean Stein was the first person I told as we walked into the meeting. He announced my good news, and all warmly congratulated me. I felt joy, relief and pride. I graduated from NOBPC in May 2013 and applied for the final phase of certification. My reports on my terminated case were submitted, and my interview was scheduled for January 2014. I hoped I could make it through the second interview as well as the first. I hoped for a similar call on my way into this year's Finance Committee meeting. But if not, I was determined to try again.

This certification process has been my most challenging professional endeavor and has been essential in consolidating my psychoanalytic understanding and my psychoanalytic identity. I suppose if I did not need certification to eventually pursue becoming a TA, I might have been tempted to avoid the whole process, but I would have missed out on the professional and personal rewards. No matter our profession, we have all been graded, awarded degrees, received honors, and earned licenses, all of which required somebody to evaluate us subjectively. Certification has been a part of my becoming a psychoanalyst, as important as my classes, my supervision, and my personal analysis. My certification experience is a valuable and essential part of my psychoanalytic journey. I hope my experience has encouraged you to participate.