Augustus*, a little boy with feelings as big as his name, stood at his window and asked me to stand at mine. It was our first video session during the pandemic after two years of treatment. I waved, jumped, and shouted, but he could not find me. He turned from his window to the screen.
“Dr. Roth, where is your house, anyway?”
A pang of guilt. I had left the city, and him, on the coattails of my privilege.
“My house is in the Catskills.”
“Oh, well then I definitely can't see you. My house is in the Bronx.”
One missed session, and then another. His aunt would appear on screen and say he refused to come. Their house had curtains, not doors, so I assumed he could hear me. If he was angry at me, I said into the ether, maybe we could talk or play about it in session.
I saw his face, a chubby finger coming towards the camera, then black.
“Internet disconnecting! Internet disconnecting! Coronavirus has infected the internet!”
“Oh no! I was so excited that Augustus was finally going to play with me for our session, and now coronavirus has infected the internet and I can't see him after all? I am so sad and angry and disappointed! I wish more than anything that we were back in the office so we could play together like normal!”
A whisper coming from the blackness. “Dr. Roth, you have to restart Windows.”
“Oh phew! I just have to restart Windows and then I'll see Augustus after all. Such an easy fix. BEEP! WINDOWS RESTARTING.”
“THIS IS YOUR WINDOWS OPERATING SYSTEM. REBOOTING. 1%… 2%… 3%…”
“Wow, this is going to take a really long time.”
“20%… 99%…”
“Oh yay! I will see him so soon!”
“7%…”
“Oh no! I'm never going to see him!”
“80%… 98%…”
“Yay!”
“32%…”
“No!”
I was helpless at the hands of the coronavirus, which had infected our treatment. He did not even have a door to close, a space that deigned to mimic the private world we shared in my office. He would not pretend that video was the same, that my leaving was okay, that we were still together. My guilt was my own to bear. But now, at least, we could play about being apart.
Lisa Roth, M.D., is a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist in private practice in New York City () and a child and adolescent psychoanalytic candidate at the New York Psychoanalytic Society and Institute.
* Not his real name