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Budapest, January 18, 1912
VII., Erzsébet-körút 54
Dear Professor,
It was evidently prudence on my part that I am deciding only after such a long time to report about myself. My moods have been changing so suddenly that a picture of any given moment would only render an incomplete account of my status psychicus.—The last evening in Vienna1 depressed me inordinately. I interpreted every reaction of Elma's in the context of her inability to love (dementia praecox) and saw the future in the gloomiest light. I had almost taken it for granted that nothing would come of this marriage, and I began to console myself with the fact that I would find sufficient compensation for the loss of family happiness in the understanding and loving company of Frau G. and in scientific intercourse with you.—It took almost a week before this view of mine began to moderate. Elma's letters and your not unfavorable report eased my mood, the impressions of pathology in Elma's being were partly eradicated, memories of scenes that seemed to prove to me her ability to love emerged more frequently, and I began to reckon with the possibility of a positive solution. In the meantime I visited Frau G. daily; she proved to be—even in her own sad state—a consolation. So much ability to love, such intellectual and emotional ability to achieve and to sacrifice is, to be sure, a painful reminder of what could have awaited me with Elma. And yet I must, in truth, confirm that, in being together with Frau G., despite all these confirmations—despite all conscious substantiations of her attractiveness, her intellect, her spirit—I don't feel that same enthusiasm, that carefree, joyful, natural élan that Elma brought out in me. Love is irrational!
In summarizing my moods and my intentions I can say that I feel strong enough to overcome the irrational in me and am much sooner inclined to renounce the possibility of happiness than to subject myself and Elma to the dangers of a marriage that has too much risk attached t