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Pápa, October 14, 1915
Dear Professor,
Your visit in Pápa had a refreshing effect on my mind and my spirit. I sat down right away and wrote a little essay on “supposed mistakes.”1 You already know my manner of first only producing something antiquated.—A few forensic proceedings and the necessity of advancing my plan (the transfer and founding of the section) brought me to Budapest, where I stayed from Monday until Wednesday.—Personal things took place there which I should—and also may— relate to you—as my physician. It appeared as though I wanted to repeat the circumstances of my nervousness—which broke out immediately after our last Italian journey.
I derived the motives for falling ill at the time I.) from Vienna, where we spent a few days on account of your Mathilde's falling ill. I used the opportunity to provide myself the possibility for a syphilitic infection;2 2.) from Naples, where I—after suppressing all scruples—spent a night with Frau G. I arranged it in such a way that I could arrive in Budapest at approximately the time of the expiration of the (presumed) incubation. I confessed everything to Frau G.—(in order to be rid of her, I think)—, she was immensely kind to me: I was bound once more—but I had to be sick. The whole thing was the reaction to the Elma business.
This time it also began with ascertaining the withdrawal of libido with respect to Frau G.; thereupon came my decision to see Frau G. (who is now in Budapest)—and, this time, without scruple—. Only chance hindered this meeting, which I hoped would bring Frau G. closer to me this time. (It will be easier for me to be truer to her, I thought, if I also dare to be untrue to her.)—Despite previous lengthy abstinence, my libido with regard to Frau G. was absent, even though I was able to carry out the act. The following night I had two anxiety dreams, which then gave me an opportunity for speculations about anxiety neurosis. I still notice that I noticed for the first time that Frau G.'s endless pat